(If you’re choosing to drop in on these thoughts of mine)
I've grown up and I know you've made this world where things can never be the same as it was even a minute ago. So I guess a matter of years is forever out of the question. Yet, I can’t help going back to the times I didn't cherished when it was present and can’t stop the train of thoughts that follow. Tonight I’m revisiting them again, for totally another reason.
I’m not dwelling on broken memories so you can switch over to another person who really needs you and stuff; but if you’d listen I’d appreciate. There was this one person who opened this world out to me. My eyes were open to see, but it wasn't until he came that I realized I can do something to change it, to live in it, and make it flow through me. He came like a guardian angel, and although I was too young to understand the gravity of the tough situation we were in, I think I smiled a wee bit often because of that person. He taught me to color within the lines, in uniform strokes…to set the table in a manner that we all can reach the dishes. His hands held me firmly as he taught me how to float on water, and how to tell little lies so that mommy won’t know her birthday gift. He’d sing me to sleep at times and because I like being carried on his shoulders, I’d pretend to be asleep after a long drive home.
But just like that when I had thought my learning days were through and when I was yearning to show what I can do with what he taught, he vanished out of my world built on his words. Growing up I realized his lessons went further than coloring and swimming. He taught me patience, trust, compassion and love. I kept going back to those random memories year after year for 12 years now but it has struck me only tonight. I want to be young again like everyone else, but not so that I won’t have anything to worry about. Not so that I can eat all the pastries without worrying about the dresses in my closet. I want to be young again for him to be back in my life. Because, his shadow was never there like I hoped it to be when I grew to his height. Because, when I expressed in words and everyone found an author in me, he wasn't there to be proud. And at mommy’s birthdays I am clueless without asking you first what our grand plan would be. Somehow I coped well, and other guardian angels kept passing by on me…checking if I was living my dream. And now and then in little ways, I do remember him and remind myself that he belongs fully to my past. He was my glorious past and nothing more. You see, he belonged to that category of people that come ‘for a reason’. And that was to make me believe that I too was capable of my dreams. He was also someone I looked up to, not because he was towering tall but because at that moment in life, he was the father I never had.
P.S- If you did listen to it all; send this to him. He claims I don’t remember him at all when the truth is he never remembered himself saying ‘I’ll always be there, I promise’
Love, (to everyone who seem to think there’s never enough love in their world)